To Be

At some point in my life, realizing that talking to God and listening to Him was vital, I began to write to Him. I didn't do this because I'm a particularly amazing writer, nor a deeply spiritual monk(ette:). I started to do this because I would wander off in thought and completely not be able to focus for longer than a quick prayer, and often would fall asleep too. As I've come along my timeline, and have intersected the pressures and trials of everyday life, some epic and some just little, I knew the desperation of need for Help from Him. It didn't really begin as a hunger for Him, just His help.

It's really become a lifestyle. I am a writer, in so many ways. I've been trained by writing to Him. So, starting my days, or any time really, on a piece of paper, my pen greets Him with; "Dearest Father" and so He is.

Occasionally, I look back at old "journals" and find some significant things in there amidst my life babbling along. Today, I thought I'd share some things from one of those journals.

September 15/07

Dearest Father,

Counsel me Lord, with the Counsel of Your heart.

"...do not fear making a mistake, more than you fear Me. If your trust is secure, is shall be well - Holy well. Trust gives Me a place to dwell and I Am ever so joyful. Your Trust becomes My Heaven in your "earth". Just as time is very relative, and not binding to Me, so is size..."

You stand outside of time and are knit within time, according to Love's Wisdom. You are immeasurable, and of any size, all at once. Yet You weave Yourself within the fabric of creation and nothing exists without Your threads.

There is something infinite about us, on the inside, something timeless, where time, aging and inability seem, unjust. The fall made all of us to be like animals born in a zoo, in captivity, never really being their real self, in all the freedom of just living as they were created. We are creatures made for a world not fallen, yet fallen we are and we do not know what and who we really are nor do we really know how to live. (Yet) There is something profoundly, singularly, magnificent about us humans.

Tree of Life,

By faith, in partaking of You,

I have eaten from the tree of Life

And, I am utterly not fallen

By the Blood's Life gift,

Cleansing gift,

Holy, Eternal, Life, Love,

I am not a prisoner

I am not a loser,

I am not lost,

No more bound,

But boundless,

Victorious,

Free,

The Tree of Life

Shed His Blood

For me.

He sees me and knows me

As I really am,

Though it be mystery to me,

The only way to know me

To walk free

Is to know Him.

Through a glass darkly

We see Him

We will be like Him

When the mystery is removed

When He appears,

What are we to Him?

He values nothing higher. (Is this true?)

We are Love's Holy Cause

Love's Holy Passion

Love's Holy Treasure.

"...See what (an incredible) quality of love the Father has given (shown, bestowed on) us, that we should (be permitted) be named and called and counted, the children of God! And so we are! The reason that the world does not know (recognize, acknowledge) us is that is does not know (recognize and acknowledge) Him.

Beloved, we are (even here and) now, God's children; it is not yet disclosed (made clear) what we shall be (hearafter) but we know that when He comes and is manifested, we shall resemble and be like Him, for we shall see Him just as He really is..." 1 John 3:1,2

(and here's another excerpt)

from September 30/07

Thank You, for doing wondrously, in me. I am, just like Jehovah, is I AM. Something in us needs to know You this way, hugely. I often say, "I don't know how to just "be", Lord, help me "BE".!

I am not in a role, nor is my life a script, with lines to memorize and with expectations to deliver on cue. I am a living being, in a creative flow, in unity with my Creator, my Friend, harmony, life, like the current of a river moving, or the wind that blows, not static, not rote, not set in stone, but alive together. This world is not this way. It's all in an accumulation of knowledge and how one uses it. Somehow, we rarely live out of out true self. BUT, we will know it's lack, though we can't describe it and though we may never divulge it to anyone. There is a desperate incompleteness that haunts us and it is a drive that confounds us.

We feel like we're coming to a cliff or in a river, and hear the waterfalls thundering just up ahead, and we are always warding off dread. If feels inevitable. Yet, it is Your Kindness that leads to revelation unto repentance, and the force of seeing that causes us to acknowledge a misery, an emptiness, which bring us to You. You are SO dreadfully missed, so desperately hungered for, yet, unbeknownst. Oh God, open blind hearts, until they are blissfully freed in the truth of Your love and BEING, with them.

Emmanuel, God with US.

We need to know, we weren't created to be alone..."

Okay, well that is that for today. I am grateful, for the many pens, pieces of paper, "journals" in varying shape and size, from spiral notebooks, to leather bound tomes:) Life pouring out, in breath, in energy, in movement and in ink:) and heard, seen, treasured, listened to, by God, Who is with us, with me. Yipee!

First Responder?

Well, just checked my junk email, and I found the first responder to our ad to rent "the middle of nowhere", which, isn't actually how I advertised it, just in case anyone might wonder:)

I wrote the phone number down, while my stomach did some simple tumbling gymnastics, and got it all tidily recorded. They are "very interested" in seeing it, as soon as possible. Gulp. Maybe, I'll luck out, and it's spam. Sometimes, you don't know how you feel, what you think, what is in your heart, until a little pressure is applied.

I should be thanking God, that someone is interested. I know I'll get there, eventually. I'm always walking in conversion. Conversion, from one point of thought, to another. Today, would not be a good day for me to show the house. Not just because it's slightly untidy, actually, I'm uncluttering in my kitchen, and it's midway through. A little more than "slightly" untidy:)

Maybe I should let them come up today, when it's pretty darn stormy and the roads are icy.

If they are the one's for my place, none of that will matter, because they'll see what I can't really hide. If they can't see that, this place is NOT for them.

So Father, give me courage to make that response, to be kind, and to let go of this place, but never do anything but squeeze Your hand tighter. If I trip, and I might, thanks ahead of time for picking me up, letting me cry and soak Your shoulder. You are my Refuge, and You are WAY more beautiful than this little farm. NOTHING compares to You. You are so amazing, what is not to love about You. Give me a vision for the next place, the next adventure and a heart that is full of Your courage, mine's already gone. I can't possibly exhaust Yours.

Oh my friends, pray for me, help me, as I enter a new chapter. Thanks for reading these words, as they tumble out in real time. It will be well, and it is.

Christmas Prayer

A satisfied heart,
Fully engaged in living,
Like an eagle gathers the wind,
And swims through it,
Like a fish flies through water,
A heart moving limbs,
Through a life,
Like a mountain well climbed,

Unrehearsed,
unpretentious,
unafraid,
unhindered,
unbound,
unfettered,
understood.

AND................. Thankful!

Middle of nowhere, for rent?

I spent some hours, today and yesterday, mostly yesterday, trying to get my home listed on craigslist, but it will not post, in spite of help. It is a mystery to me. Maybe they thought I was lying, because it looks, just too good to be true.

Right this moment, I'm typing on my laptop, as it sits on my kitchen table. I'm looking out multiple windows, in almost gale force winds, rain lashing about, and I'm enjoying the calm, quiet, shelter. I am surrounded on two sides by houseplants and summer flower pots, that refuse to stop blooming:)

I would rather advertise for a person, to come and enjoy this place, even more than I have. So, just for the fun of it, I'm going to write an ad here. A hypothetical one, from my tiny farm, to cyberspace.

"I'm looking for a companion, to occupy my quiet spaces. Preferably a family, with children and pets, who will make some noise out here for me to listen to. I'm a good sized home, really old, but I don't show it. I have gleaming hardwood floors, but don't run too fast, you might slip and get a terrible black eye, like my present companion did. I was glad when they removed that landline. Why would she run to the phone like that? You must not expect everything to be perfect about me. I need some paint on my porch, and on my deck. I love my new red roof, it was a sacrifice of love giving me that. I have a new boiler, that burns oil, and heats with baseboard hot water. I think I'm realllllyyy cozy myself. I have a big kitchen, but I need a couple of new appliances, (as least my present companion thinks so, since she broke one burner on the cooktop, I don't mind though, I love her)

I have four small bedrooms, and very short steps up to the second story where they all are. Walk carefully and hold the hand rail. There are beautiful views from every single window. There are so many animals around and I like their company. There are ancient trees, in front and back and in the woods too. On one of them, I sport a really awesome rope swing. I have apples trees, both wild and tame, that would prefer someone with a little more experience than my present companion has. (No offense)

I have given off good, cozy heat from my fireplace, and I am spacious downstairs, with a separate laundry room. I have a secret entrance behind the dryer, for my companions' cat to come and go through. (Just thought someone might especially like this:)

I have a huge front porch. People think I look friendly and that's because I am. Yes, I do have that bit of white picket fence in my yard. Don't hold it against me though, I bet some of my future companions used to have mullets too:)

My driveway is gravel and out toward the gravel road is my large and really cool barn. I feel extra cool about it because Wolf Out the Window used to practice in me. They really rock by the way. None of the neighbours minded, because there are none close enough to hear a loud rock band!

As you go up the driveway more, just past the house, up the hill a bit, is the sweetest artist cottage you ever did see. (Just sharing a secret, this is the best hook in my "fishing for a new companion" tackle box) When my present companion first went in there, she burst out crying for joy, that's when I knew she would be mine:) It is large, bright, with a woodstove that really pumps out the heat. I think my heart is more in here than I can communicate. My present companion would like a bathroom in there, and so would I.

You can walk all over me, all 42 acres of me. There are places to play, jump on trampoline, and 30 acres of me, you can plow and plant. They are used to that. I have a big, sweet, spring fed pond, with tons of fish and a dock. I have been greatly enjoyed by everyone who's ever jumped into me. The oftener, the better I say. I am absolutely perfect in summer, not yucky like some ponds that I won't mention.

You have to like fresh air, lots of flowers, lots! You have to like living pretty far from a grocery store and make my kitchen the best restaurant around, or you'll get frustrated. You must like BBQ's and outdoor fireplaces and picnics, just because. It would be helpful if you liked mountain biking, because it is my well kept secret. If you need to heal, from your season of life, if you need rest and respite, I am perfect for that if I do say so myself. Angels like me, and God made me for someone, who needs Him.

My companion right now, doesn't want to leave me, she's downright protective of me. She even prays for me, she loves me and she knows God gave me to her for a season. I like that about her."

Okay, that's the note, just as my farm dictated it. Love to all:)

Healing Song

Joy

Well, I just wrote a short blog and it mysteriously, erased itself, at least a mystery to me. I don't think I can ever capture it's genius again:)
I was sharing about the ordinary day, in the middle of my not yet tidy kitchen, in the middle of nowhere. I was pondering the ordinary things we do, for ourselves, for others, just because, and even we don't remember them. Mundane, perhaps boring, perhaps, shall we say, menial. I used to really hate the "land of mundane". I wanted to do something important, something profound, something heroic, something great! But, something changed in me, as time has gone by and I find, that in the mundane, is a sweetness of His company. He has invaded the land of my mundane, and it has disappeared. Nothing is ordinary anymore, and I don't mind (much) if what I do is completely un-noticed, because, of course, it isn't.
If the main calling in our lives, is the upward call, which is really, the call to the deepest life with Him, the call to intimacy, mundane is an excellent facilitator for this Holy project of His. If He doesn't mind doing dishes with me, doing laundry with me, sitting with me, cooking with me, shoveling snow, cutting grass, feeding critters and doing yucky jobs, well then, I have the very best Companion of ALL TIME!!!!
If anyone, can get inside and tweek our attitudes, it's Jesus. He doesn't mind those yucky jobs!
This morning I was pondering jasper. I had read that the walls of the New Jerusalem are 72 yards thick and made of jasper. That's a lot of Jasper!
Jasper is a clear precious substance, that's not a metal, nor a precious stone, but it is a substance formed from something ordinary, which after time, pressure, and outside influences, is transformed into a whole new substance. Jasper is clear, like glass, some say with a green tinge, some say with a goldish tinge, some say it glitters. It is clear, see through. Can you imagine how cool these kinds of walls would look? Wow. It is said to represent the glory of God.
Just imagine with me for a minute, that the New Jerusalem, is a picture of the transformed you some day. It's a picture of you, with Him, in utterly amazing beauty. Your body is become jasper, and the light, the Light, Himself, shines through, because, the ordinary, has been transformed into something that lets light and glory shine through. It's better than being a tabernacle, or a temple. It's a city, called a bride, called New Jerusalem. It's another, deeper metaphor.
I was picturing the streets of gold, clear, shiny, polished, slippery. I was wondering if you could slide on them, and well, it was like I was walking with Jesus there, and we both began sliding all over the place on those slippy streets. I laughed so hard. They are very slippy streets, not so we fall, but because, we love sliding together.
Did you ever consider that you may just have too sober an idea of just how much joy that God intends for us to have with Him, and it can begin with your hands in the sink doing dishes?
Since I was in the place of picturing this amazing place, I wanted to see the source of the River of Life. I slipped there, sliding with Jesus, and we got down and crawled and looked under the throne, breathing a bit hard from the sliding fun. I looked up and saw it dripping, drip, drip, from the very underneath base of the seat of the throne. Then I wondered, about the throne actually. Jesus said, I never sit on this throne and I'm never off the throne. This seemed pretty contradictory, but, it's a way of Him saying, He IS what the throne represents. Just think about that. He's in you, living, He is enthroned in you. Within Him, is the source of the River, and it spills out, in a deliberately created River way, not eroded there, made there on purpose. In you, is all this developing, by His power at work in you. The Kingdom of God, comes through frail flesh, like a freight train, bursting through newsprint, by His gracious transformation. Isn't that AWESOME!
We are lit up, by Him, who is living Light. In this city, there is no need for the sun, and there is no night. "...and there shall be no more night: they have no need for lamplight or sunlight, for the Lord God will illuminate them and be their light, and they shall reign forever and ever..." (Rev. 22:5) Light easily seen through jasper walls, through transformed substance-us.
I imagined drinking the water, as it formed it's first drop from beneath that throne. Of course, Jesus and I keeping in the sliding mode, slipped into the River and slid into it's watercourse, and into it's beautiful crystal clear depths together. I'm still reeling from the mind blowing morning! "...and let everyone come who is thirsty, and whoever earnestly desires to do it, let him come, take, appropriate, and drink the water of Life without cost..." (Rev. 22:17b)
I propose that we need a serious drink, and it's ALWAYS available, for FREE:)
Not just drink, but eat too. "...Wait and listen, everyone who is thirsty! Come to the waters and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Yes, come, buy (priceless spiritual) wine and milk without money and without price. Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and you earnings for what does not satisfy. Hearken diligently to Me, and eat what is good and let your soul delight itself in fatness ( the profusion of spiritual joy)!..." (Isa. 55:1,2)
I propose a toast to Him, let's drink, by faith, right now, some of His free wine, and let's eat together, some of this bread, He baked for us, and let's drink deep, right now, of that water, that River, that Life, that is Him, that Light, that is Life. Let's feast, all the time, and let's have profuse joy! Let's not be malnourished.
I could write so much!! I am filled up and I have to say, that the adventures of an inner life with Him, can be so astonishingly, grand.

Leaving Nowhere?

Today, I am, s-l-o-w-l-y, coming to grips with moving. With leaving, nowhere:) I am thankful, that so far, we are not selling it. My husband has been unhappy with his job for a long time. Not so much the actual job, it's geographical location, to be more precise. So, out of kindness and mercy, on God's part, he's been handed a good job, back where he'd choose to live. Back in California, back in Ventura county, where I have lived, for altogether 3 years, in two installments. This will be the third installment:)
I am a seasoned "mover", and today, that's not too encouraging. I am too, well aware of the details. There is no bliss of oblivion. However, whispered into my heart, as I was jogging down the worry trail, were the words, "this is going to be so wonderful, you don't have a paradigm for it, nothing in your life has prepared you for this, it will be a wonder to you." It will be like when He gave me the ring, and I just had no paradigm, in my thoughts, or emotions, for the understanding of it. It just was, and it was good.
So, auspiciously, this is off to a rocky start.
But, certainly, it is going to be something, of wonder, when it's all been said and done.

A Beautiful Longing

Wrinkles

Hello to all. There are times, when I am just full of something to say, and it spills out here, or in my journal, or to my cat, my walls, my air around where I'm at. I always know I'm heard, because I'm never alone. I am kept company by El Shaddai.
When I got back from an adventure walk around my farm, a very small adventure, I felt like there was a smile inside. Someone with as much solitude as me, apparently, isn't always smiling externally, but, well, maybe I am:) I want all the lines on my face, to come from smiles. Out of the heart, the mouth speaks, and the face wrinkles too. I want smile lines, to be the riverbeds, for the tears to flow through. I am sure, that I don't always feel like smiling, but oh for the prints of joy to manifest, in beautiful wrinkles, laugh lines, smile-ways, like free-ways.
Today, hearing His voice, tender heart, love flowing, life is sweet.
Tomorrow, and the rest of my days, here on this planet, if I hear His voice, oh for it to go down deep in my heart, loving, living, being free, in Him. Thank You El Shaddai, thankYou for Your divine accompaniment to my life. I am just a grace note, and You are the symphony. When He sings over us, we can sing His song.

The Importance of Kindness

Good Morning on this, first snow morning of 2010:)
I am just copying out of my morning time/journal today. Sharing with my friends, love from the middle of nowhere, or now here.

Kindness -is-so-important! Kindness is a way of being that is the out flow of love in residence. A kind act can cause a break through, from hard-heartedness, into freedom and love. A kindness done is evidence of a softening, sometimes kindness is the act that brings restoration to the person doing it! It is often a first sign of repentance.
If His love is in you, it will manifest as kindness, often!!! Kindness is the act of giving favour, deliberately. Kindness often a sacrifice, often done secretly, reaps great rewards in the secret place. He sees and He delights in this. His way - flowing so in harmonious oneness with us. Kindness flowing, like blood through our body. Kindness is a "natural" way, with God. He is naturally kind. Kindness is not conditional. It is given when ever the giver wants to. It is not a reward per se, for another's behaviour. It is done a) with no thought of a return from the one it's done to b) can be done, without the other deserving it at all c) can be done to strangers, to animals, and even to ourselves.
It is an attitude, that will always look to produce action. It will not sit idle, it will perform. It is deliberate. It is deliberate.

"...But the fruit of the (Holy) Spirit (the activity, work which His presence within accomplishes) is love, joy (gladness) peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), KINDNESS, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness, gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self restraint, continence). Against such things there is no law..." Gal. 5:22,23

"...For the fruit (the effect, the product) of the Light, or the Spirit (consists) in every form of kindly goodness, uprightness of heart, and trueness of life..." Eph. 5:9

All my early life, especially as a Catholic, and even throughout my adult life, it is so much more emphasized to abstain from evil (which is good!!), but way too often, there is the action of rejection towards people, a critical judgemental, pointing finger. A "holier than though" competitive attitude, not overt, we are often oblivious to. We are never asked to shame others, to preach about their evil behaviour. We are asked, (and equipped) to live out of the Wellspring of His Spirit. We ought to be unable to deter the flow of goodness and kindness. This flow ought to soak, pour on, get very wet, everyone around us and all people where ever we go. This is like bringing a river everywhere. It would flood things, they would get wet, they would be affected.
This is the overt effect our lives should have on society. this is an inarguable, river, rising, flood. One gets soaked with it, and deals with it's aftermath:)
An aftermath of Kindness, of Life Springing from heaven flowing outward through a saint is a touch of goodness and mercy, a feast, in famine, for a lost soul. Evidence of a better Kingdom and a Great King. It is the very power of God, for which there is no defense. It is an indefensible weaponry arsenal. it is like giving cold water to your enemy, in the heat of battle. It is mercy in action, love in action. It is goodness in action.
Destroy evil with good, and start with Kindness. Evil won't be weakened by righteous adherence to rules of goodness. It will however, be destroyed by relentless kindness, relentless love, relentless mercy, relentless grace. The River of His Presence, reveals itself through these.
Be relentless in kindness and enjoy it, for it is pure joy I am telling you!
Being good in God's sight, doesn't equal behaving well, as in not doing wrong. Being good is being true to value. Goodness is a statement of grace. Goodness is the atmosphere of a heart, that reveals itself in kindness rather than adherence to rules.
A good person, with God's imputed goodness, the action of His life in them, will have it manifest as kindness, and in generosity.
A person made righteous by His Blood, will have it manifest by living sinless. Blood cleansing, makes sin-free, a life that was previously corrupt all the way. Righteousness is the evidence of His Blood "Bath". It is the righteousness of Christ. It is a flow, a powerful flow, that renews, retrains, restrains, constrains, and manifests as liberty from slavery to sin. One's sin's after their initial salvation, all falters, under this Blood and this Blood is always producing liberty. Pure, holy, perfect, amazing, liberty.
Kindness is not approval for wrong action. Wrong action, sin, is never agreed with. This is where righteousness is a standard of His Holy ways.
There is no law against kindness. So, enjoy, this liberty, and liberating of His life streaming through you, and fire kindness at will, anytime and anyplace. Remembering, there is no defense against it. It doesn't matter if the kindness is not understood, by the one to whom it is being extended, GOD TOTALLY ENJOYS IT, SEES IT, AND IS HIMSELF BLESSED BY IT!

Time Traveling Shoes.

I've decided to share something that occured in my life, that still leaves me scratching my head, and if it didn't happen to me, I might struggle to believe someone telling me it happened to them.
I was going through a particularly difficult time in my life, in the January of 2006. Early in the month I went to Target and bought myself a pair of shoes. I'll try and post a pic of them. As I was leaving the store, I thought to myself, I should buy a pair for my sister. At the time we were living in Ventura county, California and she was living in Lima, NY.
Well, a couple of weeks later, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and decided I was going to get out and took myself to a local restaurant for breakfast. Which, didn't really help. I was on my way back home, just driving past the Target, when I heard the Lord say, in my thoughts, gently, why don't you get those shoes for your sister. I almost didn't, but turned in at the second entrance. I went in and spent all kinds of time, looking at nothing in particular. I bought her a purse and the same exact shoes I'd gotten for myself.
As I was leaving the store, I went into a checkout line that was just opening. The woman said she liked the shoes I was purchasing, and I showed her that I was wearing the same one's and was sending these to my sister. She then told me that she almost didn't come in that day. I asked her why and she said, she almost died four years earlier and she had to be careful not to push herself too hard. I asked her if I could pray for her, and she started crying and said that she also prayed for people and I prayed for her and we gave each other a hug. This was highly unusual for me. As I was walking out, I thought to myself. Lord, you know just when I'm going to be certain place, and what I'll say, and I was glad to be right on time for that precious woman.
Anyway, little did I know the lesson I was about to get on "timing". As I was driving out of the parking lot, I heard Him say, why don't you just go and mail it on the way home. I was still not too much in the mood, but I stopped by the Mail Boxes Etc. and started to package up the things to send. I wrote a little note and put it in. The note said something like, Dear Di, this is for no particular reason at all, just because I love you. I dated the note, January 18th, and then went and mailed it, walked out with the receipt in my purse and lifted up a quick prayer like, Jesus, please get it there safe.
Meanwhile, on January 18th, in Lima, NY, my sister, who was the Librarian at a local Christian school was responsible for morning devotions. Her topic was, how God does things for no particular reason, except that He loves us. After she was done, she went into the library and felt the Holy Spirit tell her, to go home for lunch, He had something for her.
So, she didn't know what it was, but headed home and noticed a parcel left on her front porch. This was unusual in itself, because the Post office doesn't do this, they put a notice in your mailbox. Anyway, she went in and opened it up. It was my package, and it was on her doorstep at 11:45am, January 18th, 2006. She opened it up and read the note and noticed it was just like what she shared that morning. She also noticed the date I'd written, January 18th and thought I'd glitched and just wrote the wrong date. Ethan, her youngest son, wore the shoes later in the afternoon, when they went to the grocery store and got them wet, during his purchase of Skittles.
Diane wondered about the date. Me, I had no idea and I didn't want to ruin the surprise. I called the next day and my sister was at JoAnn fabrics and had the receipt and was wearing the shoes then. I didn't know, her hubby just told me she was at the fabric store.
So finally a few days later, when I thought the package would have arrived I called and Diane said, I think something very strange may have happened with this package. I said what? She asked when I sent it, and so I went and got the reciepts and saw I left the Target at 12:30pm and mailed the package around 1:30pm, January 18th. She said, NO WAY! I said what, again. She told her her story and we began to laugh, and laugh, because it's just that impossible. The package was on her doorstep, at 11:45am EST, which is 8:45am PST. I was still eating breakfast at that time. The shoes got there, before I bought them. WHAT???????
We had all the evidence, before our eyes, we had eye witnesses, and still your mind can't grasp how that can happen, because, it literally can't humanly speaking.
But, never, ever forget, that God does things for no particular reason sometimes, just because He loves us.
One closing thought. My sister remarked, after we finished laughing and I told her about my side of the story. What if, when you hugged that woman and prayed for her, God healed her four years ago?
What if?

A Few Thoughts on Interpreting Scripture.

One thing I want to say is, that I see that human misinterpretation of the spirit and intention
of scripture, is not God's fault. It actually could be blamed for His own crucifixion. The devil used it as a tool to tempt Jesus in the wilderness. Consider the source of the interpretation. Jesus was accused of casting out demons, with the power of the devil, by people who thought He was violating scripture. Which proves that we are really able to not understand scripture and abuse it, feeling self righteous, to the point of utter bondage. But, I still believe that God has hidden Himself, in order to be found by anyone sincerely seeking Him therein. He is equally hard to find, for those who have a different agenda, and for those thinking they see and are blind. God wants to be known, and I think that's one of the significant reasons for scripture. When I am unable to interpret something, I don't want to presume to say that God is what? someone to judge as a fool? It is most likely, that I am the fool x infinity. If God's Spirit, is not interpreting scripture to you, you will be left to interpret it on your own and you may as well read it in a dark room with the lights off. I think, in the wrong spirit, it is the devil's favourite tool of destruction. If he can twist God's words and get us to listen, it is just like the fall in the beginning. It's a very ancient trick.

Pondering Leadership....

After posting a question on Facebook today, I've been pondering it, deeper and deeper. So, I thought I'd write here, where there's more room to think in words. My question was basically, how do people see that the family is run, socialist, communist, democracy, dictatorship, monarchy, etc. I wrote that I personally believed that the main governing premise, in my mind and thereby, family, is loving God, with my all heart, and my neighbour, as myself. The top "laws" of scripture.
It's obvious to me, living in an atmophere of political criticism, that it's easier to point the finger "out", than "in" at our ownselves. I believe, if we don't face up to our own messes, we have nothing to say into anything at all. We are a nation, a world, ever so predominated by blind hypocrits. All of us, have fallen into this category at times. Blindness, like this, is a huge hindrance to love.
For me, the chasm, between the Kingdom of God, and all other governments, is ever widening in dynamics. Not that they have ever cohabited. But, there have been times in history, where government and politics, borrowed much from scripture.
But, I don't want to talk about history, or politics really. I want everyone, including myself, to take a really good look at themselves. How do you lead? How do you affect those people around you? Do you even know?
We have all probably experienced throughout our lives, many forms of leadership, from the amazingly good, to the awful in the extreme. The saddest thing would be to be an awful leader, "hitleresque", and be utterly blind to yourself and the affect you have on others. I'm pretty sure world dictators, tyrants, controlling in the extreme, don't care, and probably don't see themselves in anything but their own light, which isn't light at all.
There have been such abuses of leadership in the church. Religious abuse, is insidiously, devastating.
For me, the saddest thing is, that this misrepresentation of God, is so far off the mark of who He really is. You know, He isn't very defensive about Himself. He's secure in Himself and His leadership methods are the most unorthodox, original, creative and totally good. It isn't God who abuses power, even though He is omnipotent. It is people, even in His name, but not authorized by Him at all. The salt of the earth, are the people, who resemble Him the most. They are salty! Sometimes annoyingly so!
There is another player in this whole game of control and this is the one that is not perceived in the world's political systems, but it is manipulated by this player. This is the enemy of our race and of God. This is a real battle.
What can someone, who doesn't even agree there is a devil do, in a battle, where he is so blinded by the dark? It is the ones who are in the light, called and anointed, to love these blind, and to "proclaim recovery of sight to those bound by the dark". I can, and do, pray for people, all over the globe, not just limited to this present tense either, and I can ask for God to do for them, what they don't even believe needs to be done. If I have a friendship with God, and He with me, then, as time goes by, His life, and ways, rub off on me. I am more and more able to ask for those very things that He would most like to be asked for. My faith in Him, made more sure, year after year. This is His grace to me. This is the way He rules. He dominates with grace, and rules in mercy and His ideas are just and His heart is good. He has already done for us, all we need, to be completely free. He died for us, in spite of the fact that no one asked Him to. I wonder how many have refused His life's blood?
As to not believing there is a God, or if Jesus is God, and needing proof, or wondering why you should believe something that cannot be seen. I'm going to ask a couple of questions, because I believe our very self, our own body, proves we were made to walk in faith, easily. First question is: Can you see smells? How do you know it's there if you can't see it? But, you can "see" it, but it is perceived through your sense of smell. You can detect so many fragrances and smells and scents and I am saying, this is a bit of a picture of walking in faith. Second question; Can you see cold or warm or hot? You can sense it, easily. But, not with your eyesight, with your sense of touch. This too a picture of faith. How about, can you see sound? Can you see air? Let's take it a bit farther, what about those times, when you can "cut the atmophere with a knife"? Or someone gave you "the creeps". All these things we do, some easily explained in physiology, some not so easy to explain.
You can't see me, or touch me right now, but here I am, writing to you, because I love "connection". Why?
If there is a God, why wouldn't He love connection too? Why would He have to live by your rules? In fact, since we didn't make Him, the only way to know Him, is if He reveals Himself. I find Him very easy to "see".
Have you ever known anyone, and you'll walk into their home, or eat a meal they prepared, or receive a gift from them, or look at something they made and felt like saying, "this looks just like them!" If we can do that with people, and we do, all the time. We can surely do it with God. We can know so much about Him, that scripture becomes a confirmation of truth, revealed clearly, all around.
God has such particular affection for us. I believe we were born with an inborn sense of faith, like a sixth sense. I also think we were born, deeply needing the affection of God, to have that worth, validated. We were, and are, worth saving, to Him. This means we are worth saving, period. He is particularly stubborn, when it comes to giving up on us, and He is utterly clever in wisdom, knowing us intimately, as He is the ultimate, "fisher of men". The truth is, we are fish, that desperately want to, and need to be caught, by Him:)

Soul Trails

Struggling today, with many thoughts. What do people do, with painful thoughts? I know I pray a lot, but I wish I could just..... Anyway, I decided to write.
I heard on the radio today, that recently, on a Texas College campus, there was a booth set up, with permission from the college, where you could trade your Bible, for porn. I just want to cry. I hate to be a bearer of bad news, and it's hard to know what to do with the condition of things. But....it's not good. I heard the Lord, clearly, early in the week, as I was reacting, to something, and my thoughts started on a trail, "I never speak to you through your fleshly reactions." He doesn't speak out of our emotional reactions, of fear and worry. When we try and figure out something that is stressing us out and we trail off with our own ways of solving the problems. So, I learned something big, because all of my mistakes have been made, along this human trail. He wasn't upset with me, at all. I heard relief in Him, like, "whew, she finally heard it!"
A couple of days later I was asking Him to show me how He thinks and feels about "need". I noticed for reasons I won't get into now, that to "need" was something not acceptable. I didn't really believe this, but it had been eroding my inner person somehow. Anyway, back to my point. I came to the scripture, "and my God will liberally supply (fill to the full)your every need according to His riches in glory, in Christ Jesus." Phil.4:19 It is His pleasure to meet our needs, His choice and "the Lord hears the poor and needy and despises not His prisoners (His miserable and wounded ones)..." Ps. 69:33. Then, He gently spoke, let that way of reacting, that your soul finds itself doing naturally, run along the course of truth, reacting, making choices, decisions, thoughts, along that trail. He was letting me know, in a way, that it wasn't necessarily the reaction process that was not wise, but it was that I was allowing the process to be begun by fear, anxiety, doubt, anger. So, what if I react, and think, and make decisions, as strongly to the words of truth, abundantly given in the scripture. How different would life be? A lot I think. Our will, and emotions, our soulish life, was originally designed to function, like a flowing river, along the course of truth. Wisdom was to have been normal.
Now, back to the sad new of the booth on that college campus. I felt, and still do, the residue of sorrow, grief, anger, pain and like a helpless frustration, so, rather than trail along and make up my inner thought life with this trail, I am taking hold of what He says. What would that be Father? Okay, this popped into my head, I'm sure there are a lot of other scriptures, but this will work for an example and for me to practice. "Ask of me the heathen for your inheritance."
Father, give me these lost, disappointed, deceived, kids, for my inheritance. Give me a heart to pray for them, to love them before Your throne. Give them to me, as my own inheritance. Give them to me as my children, to mother, with my life before you. Save them from the porn, which only offers an ever increasing, fast path into a lifelong addiction, and no where near Life Himself. Open blind eyes. Oh Father, anoint me, with the same anointing that You anointed Your Son, "recovery of sight to those bound, in a prison of blindness." Let these, my children, come to be so deeply, satisfied by You, so freed, so forgiven, so Redeemed, so passionate, so wild for You. Give them a taste of Your goodness and let that very way, that we can become addicted, be put to it's original design, and that is at home with You.
I believe, that when we hear Him, and pray, along His watercourses, then the River of Life flows that way, and He gives us, these desires of His heart, which have become the desires of our own. He puts His Massive, Unhinderable, Power into the answer. The truth is, that things are bad I think, but, nothing is too hard for Him. Draw near to Him, and He'll draw near to you. He will show you great and mighty things that He will do. Do not, let your soul, drink the muddy waters of the propaganda of the dark.

The Party

Hi again. I am glad you are reading this. Thank you. Today I decided to tell you another story of one of those pictures, like a movie short, that you see in your mind, that God used to tell me a truth.

I found myself, standing in a very elegant, very large room. There are very many people in that room, but we are not crowded in tightly. Everyone is well dressed. Woman in various versions of black cocktail dresses, and men in coats and ties and some in tuxes. We are being served vintage champagne in crystal glasses and served expensive little portions of food. People are in small groups "chatting", groups of 3-5 or so. By chatting, I mean, it's like being at an event where you don't really know people and you are having some kind of small talk. Okay, the scene is set. Put yourself there in your tux and tie, or that black cocktail dress, with shoes, not made for walking in.
You are in a group, chatting about something and you start to realize, this is empty and unsatisfying. You are not enjoying the conversation. It begins to feel, emptier and shallower. You look across the room and see a bench, like one you'd see in a park. On that bench, someone is seated, and suddenly, you realize, it's God. As you begin to walk towards Him, you realize that you are shrinking down, that dress doesn't fit anymore and you are wearing the clothes of a little kid, and in fact you are a little kid too. As you get to the bench, you find yourself, closer to the height of God, sitting on the bench. (God the Father) No one appears to notice Him at all, and frankly neither did you before.
Now, as you get to Him, you hop up on the bench next to Him, and begin to have a real conversation. Leaning up to Him, you sense His affection for you and you begin to have affection for Him. You feel comfortable with Him, at home, with Him and in yourself too.
Sitting there, with Him, you notice an interesting phenomena, and that is, that people here and there begin to see Him, and they too shrink down to the size of a kid. They also approach Him and climb up on the bench. No one in the room sees, or pays attention to any of this. They go about the motions of enjoying the party.
I ask Him. "Father, why can't they see you?" and He answers me, "Unless you become like a little child, you can't see the Kingdom of God."

Blue Journal, thoughts on Jonah.

"...Jonah is a comfort to me, for he couldn't get off track.

And even though he didn't want to,

You changed his mind

Through unsubtle influence:)

So someone, such a knucklehead,

So bound to do the opposite,

Still goes and does for You

And couldn't seem to stay off track.

I pray, the lie be broken,

That tells us we're off track,

We've lost the way,

And we just can't get it back.

That is just a crock of crap.

Jonah proves - God's faithfulness,

In a hard, foolish, stubborn character.

He'll never make it easy,

To walk in disobedience.

There's a place prepared you see,

In the ocean of disobedience,

A whale's belly, rent free:)

Where ever he coughs up, you "be",

Deep within this helpless home

His ear can hear you see,

And when He hears,

Your true heart prayers,

This is your victory..."

more from the "Blue Journal"

Pondering on leadership, in it's simplest form.

"...Lead us with love,

Examine our path with intent,

Is it too much for our young?

Is it too far of a height?

Will the danger we can't see,

And the danger WE can take,

Break the hearts and backs,

Of the lambs - we won't forsake?

When at the end,

Will we find,

Personal success to be,

The idol that killed,

The ones we loved best?

Let our lives,

Gently lead,

The lambs,

With whom,

We are blessed,

To proceed...."

"...He will feed His flock like a shepherd. He will gather the lambs in His arm. He will carry them in His bosom and will gently lead those that have their young..." (Isa. 40:11)

"... A Prayer, of Warfare...

The lie of lack,

I break your back,

The Word of the Lord,

A blow of His Sword,

Crushes you head,

Dropping you dead.

You are now my morsel of bread.

No more giant do I see,

But a vast land that stretches afar,

Beauty and Grace

My territory..."

One more thought to ponder, a truth. There is absolutely no randomness in God. It is NOT one of His traits. ''...As absolutely nothing is random with You Lord, then significance, meaning, can be drawn from everything- if we have eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart that hungers to understand..."

Blue Journal

Just recently, I picked up a journal I had been writing in during the spring of 2005. It's funny how the wisdom of God just got all over those pages and it's talking to me now. It is a mystery, how God talks to us. I love that if you have ears to hear and eyes to see and a heart that is hungry, there is just so much treasure. God, always, always, give me eyes that see and ears that hear and a heart, that is ripe for understanding revealed:)
I may from time to time, put some exerpts in my blog from this journal. I'll just always call it, "Blue Journal".

"...Grace Streamed......
It's streams are to the
unqualified
No ones' high is a high enough
high
It is to the low place
Grace runs to go.
To the flawed
faithless
faultfilled
flakey
few
Who are
undeceived
beside themselves
ill equipt
falling out of the nest
it swoops down
under a death spiral helpless
And catches and carries
In spite of ourselves
For we are God's heart's desire
Our brokenness
crushed Him
Our need
drove Him
Our sin
called for His Blood
His Grace
broke our fall..."

thoughts on mercy

Hello to any reader, and thanks also, for your interest in reading my words. I decided to write a portion of something from a journal posting of my own, from Feb 20/10. I was reading the part in Ephesians, where wives and husbands and fathers and masters and slaves are being given instruction. (just to set up the background of my thoughts, from Eph. 5:21-6:9)

from a "letter" addressed to God (Dearest Father)
.....Forced myself to read parts in Ephesians which literally feel like they saw on my heart. I notice Paul addresses the subordinate one first, the wife, the child, the slave. Counsel to them, independant of their treatment, for good or evil and then he addresses the husband, the father, the master of the slave with the expected ways of love.
But, apparently the wife, child and slave have no guarantee or power to force Your ways on those they must submit to, honour and obey. The only advice is to do things as unto You, and honestly, that is the only way. It is far easier to submit to someone, who like You, loves them with their whole heart. One is tested by submission, the other, by "authority over".
You have the ultimate authority and Jesus, You displayed the ultimate submission and honouring as well and suffered abuse in the authority system of the world.
Women understood You because You were living a life identified with theirs and Your love melted the walls.
The scripture mentions many times, You are for the widow and the orphan, it doesn't say You are for the one in authority as much as the fear of the Lord, calling them to account. But You take up the cause of the weak, You hear the abuse, the neglect, the suffering is in Your ears and moves You.
To the merciful
He shows mercy
He shows Himself as Mercy
Mercy? is an interesting quality. It has such a depth of revelation in it's upwelling, often against previous thoughts or comments (as in one will change their mind,and chose to be merciful). Mercy will break through.
Mercy is such a holy thing
Bless God, who is so full of this beautiful grace.
Mercy can veto judgement. Judgement doesn't veto mercy. Therefore, Mercy has power over judgement, Mercy becomes the ultimate judgement.
My attitude should be the same as Jesus. "...Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God, (wife does not consider equality with husband) something to be grasped but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant..."
There is so much to taking the low place.
Do everything (even the shoveling snow, cleaning litter box, etc...) without complaining, or arguing, so I can (and am)...become blameless and pure children of God without fault, in a crooked and depraved generation, in which we shine like stars in the universe, as we hold out the word of life.
My low position offers me the opportunity to serve, whether perceived or not, to humble myself not as someone of less value, but in identification with My Lord.
Oh Father, some day I may be exalted by You and situated in that place You have for me, but I will wait for Your hand and word and voice to do this. In the meatime I am hidden in Jesus and in the disguise of a lowly "wife" and I choose to Not be afraid not to react when it is unfair and unseen and unrespected.
For I am my Lord's and He is mine. His banner of love sharply snaps in the winds of His own Spirit, flying over me, broadcasting throughout eternity. I revell in His love, Revell I tell you!!!!
There are times, when submission to foolishness, as in Abigail to Nabal, is a wrong, dangerous course. She chose wisdom, and mercy for her household and saved all their lives. Leaving god to deal with her husband. Jesus didn't submit to the religious authorities, all times either, He kept doing what His Father did, sometimes, in their face. This life we have, is meant to be lived, seeing You Father, and doing what we see You doing. In the case of Ananias and Sapphira, she wasn't saved by the "submission" clause. Her agreement with her husband in the lying to God, together, was the death of her along with him.
Mercy, is the high veto power of heaven, given to the merciful. Frankly, when it comes to justice and judgement in my own life, I LOVE HIS MERCY!!

Your Love is mine and it is forever! Hallelujah!...."

Maureen Delaney, spontaneous violin

Hope you have a beautiful day, and come to know deeper and deeper, how perfectly He loves you.

Spontaneous, violin playing

I decided to put a bit of music online. I'm hoping to do this more regularly. Thanks for listening:)

Whistle

Yesterday, was a new kind of day for me. It was the first day I decided to take some paintings to a local gallery/store and get some input. I'd already shown my paintings to another gallery, from photos on my phone and though they were interested, they didn't have one square inch to hang anything new. The place yesterday, a favourite of mine, is a unique store called, "Limeberry". The owners are incredibly creative and interesting people who migrated from Durango, Colorado to Hammondsport, NY of all places. The long and short of it is, they only sell art, that they already own, which is considerable. Their shop is also crowded full. It's not a consignment type of place. They sell beautiful rugs, authentic, from buying trips to the far east. They loved my art and gave me some good advice and that's that about that, for now.

Now, onto something else, the real thing I wanted to get down today. (As quoted from my early morning, June 4/2010, writing to "Dearest Father")

".... I see as the years go by, how hard - how humiliating, it is to live with my own frail - stumbling. To self despise, with no mercy, the very smoking flax You don't quench. To demand more righteousness from myself, to not forgive myself, when my huge debt, in it's entirety is forgiven. This is harsh and imprisoning! To forgive because one has been given mercy, forgiven and declared innocent, fully, is the highest-order-of-pure-humility, that brings with it, the deepest, most fruitful joy.
Open my eyes to see how clean You really see me, for as clean as You see me, I surely am. Father, gather me in Your arms, for I would be held, would be gathered, would be loved, would be Yours. Call unto me, for Yours is the finest "whistle" in all of Creation, in all of time and for all of eternity.
Remembering my dad's loud whistle, when we were kids....It would bring my brother and sister and I, often from three different places, swiftly running home, for dinner, for anything! It was compelling, piercing through all the other sounds, for a few blocks. Our dad's whistle, I loved his whistle:)
Whistle for Your kids Father, that compelling call, impossible to ignore, that moves our feet, before our mind is sure. Release a sound, that does this in our souls, like a homing beacon, for we are designed with a homing hunger. We truly are!
Rejection has come to everyone and many times. Rejection makes us deaf and doubtful of our being desired, being wanted, being significant. This, song of rejection, like a siren song, has drowned us so often we think under the sea, is home.
What does adoption cry?
What does, "strong desire for" cry?
What does love sound like?
Let it through my violin, my voice, my pen, my hands, my art, my gardening, my everything I do. The cry of Your love's desiring you my friend, you stranger,
unending
unbroken
forever.
I want you
I love you
You area beautiful
You are MY treasure
You are Mine
I am for you
I am Yours,
You are loved,
You have a home,
You are important.

Oh God, release that whistle. Whistle for Your kids to come to that table You've prepared, in the presence of our enemies. Whistle, so clearly, we drop our baseball bats, and games, and toys, and sin and trauma, and fights and hopelessness and wrecked hearts, and run, all the way home with hope. In that whistle is love, is a compelling deep love.
My sheep hear my voice,
My children know My whistle:)
I can still hear my dad's whistle, and it brings a smile, with some tears. Only "his" kids ran home to his whistle, no one else's.

The Inheritance for Men and Women

God and Blue Jeans

I just want to talk about the Holy Spirit, for a bit. Not because I'm an expert, more because I'm amazed at how subtle and how secure He is, in leading people. I just want to say Wow, because I am thankful, that He is intricately, able, with the slightest nuance, to guide us. He is guiding me, just because His course corrections are so gently brought about, doesn't mean He's far away. Looking for direction, sometimes, we try too hard, strain too hard, push too hard. It becomes all about our ability.
There's something about faith, that is so simple, and we do it all the time, every day. It actually comes natural to us. I hope I can explain it, because it's like trying to touch mist. I'm just going to ramble, because I guess that's how it's going to stroll out in words.
Does anyone "feel" their blue jeans, all the time, everyday? The answer is, yes and no at the same time. One feels them, because one's body is doing it's job, nerve endings etc. are sending their messages, but one is more often than not "aware" that one is feeling them. They are taken for granted and not thought of.
Something about this, is taking me closer to my explanation of faith, and how the Holy Spirit moves. The Holy Spirit is like those blue jeans, sometimes we are aware of Him, but for the most part, we take His covering, His touch, for granted. There is something of faith in this too.
Just because one is not at all times aware of ones blue jeans, doesn't mean one suddenly lost them, or they leave, fall off, or disappear right?
I really don't think the Holy Spirit minds being thought of through this strange explanation. He covers us, and on some level we "feel" Him, but for the most part, we are unaware, YET, He is always there, always covering, leading, moving, touching, helping. This is where the blue jean thing is only a bit of help.
So too, in our life with Him. BUT, there is comfort here, because He IS always there, we aren't suddenly naked and somehow, we actually know how to trust like this, but, we think it's different, harder, more cerebral, more tactile.
God designed us to be able to relate to Him. It's like it's woven within our DNA. When I do a painting, even if I don't sign it, someone familiar with my work, has a sense, a feel, that it's mine. In fact the more paintings I do, the more I can even see my own style, though I don't try for it. You know what I mean. Authors are the same, after a while, when you become familiar with the author, you can feel them, and just tell that flavour somehow. They don't try for that, it just is.
Well, if God is the author, the artist, the creator, you can bet, there's an imprint in us, His style, His flavour. We function according to a design.
Why?
I think Love.
Love left it's mark, and when we are in tune, we resonate with that mark.
Love came, to tune up creation, because Love, Himself knew, we were out of tune.
Love knew we may notice we were out of tune, but we'd never be able to tune ourselves.
Love knew, He knew! we were a really out of tune piano.
He ever lives to tune us up
He is drawn to us and we are drawn to Him.

So, why is it, that we seem to have a way easier time messing things up? Why do we find it easier to think He doesn't exist? There are plenty of people in the world we don't know right? Do they exist? How can you prove they exist, if you don't know them, don't know where they live, have no access to them. To you, they don't exist, but, in truth, they are alive and well. Could it be that we don't know He exists, because, we never met Him, and don't know where He lives, nor have any access to Him? But, does this disprove existence?
Where am I strolling?
He can be known, He wants to be known, just like you want to be known. He wants to be believed, just like we want to be believed. He is not like us, we are like Him.
Then, just when I rambled a bit more, I had to throw in, that there are a company of "beings", that don't like Him, AT ALL, and they don't like you either, because, a)He loves you and b) you remind them of Him, whether you want to or not. This would be the devil and his "crew". Our enemy.
I think this enemy just wants you to never be too sure about anything, that has anything to do with God, unless of course, it is not true. Partial truth, spoken from this source, is a lie. It's like drinking a glass of clear water, with only one drop of deadly poison. It's still going to kill you.
That's why, we needed Love, to make His move, and come to rescue us from that poison we drank, in that clear water, just one drop and death creeped into creation. Darn!
As the years go by, I am more and more aware, of just how much I need saving. How honest are we really? Sometimes, I think people don't believe, yet, because they are disappointed that He didn't do something, in your face, totally obvious. Disappointment is a strong tactic of that "crew" of the liar really. It happens to all of us, and we mire in an explanation, hints, lies, until hope goes away. Then, we decide to bite off our nose to spite our face. We are a multitude of nose less people. Myself included.
I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask to have a sin nature. I didn't want one. I didn't want to get sick, or be mean, or lie, but it all just came into my race, from that stupid poison lie. Wow. I didn't even ask for a saviour. But, I am not God. God just plain loves. He created us because He loves us, loves creating, love flows from Him, like breath, like fragrance, like a song. Love decided to save. Love always would have.
There isn't a pointing finger hanging over this world on God's Hand.
There isn't a scowl on His face.
There is love, making a plan, hatching a plot, to deliver, to make free, to bless, to redeem.
Why? Because that's what Love does.
Love never fails.
Ultimately, love won, because God Himself entered the ring, on our behalf, and took down death, splat!
He cheated us out of our just punishment, by putting Himself in our place, before we were even born! What!
I like His mercy. I need it, and I'll always need it and I can rest on it and I do.
So, back to my original thoughts. Trusting Him is as easy as wearing your blue jeans. Just as much as they don't just disappear, neither does He. He is always there, always with you, always for you, always near. Unlike blue jeans, that you can take off, once He's in your life, He can never be removed. Nothing can separate you from Him. What? That's good news. If that's the case, then I am trusting, that someone that amazing, is really on top of everything and even if I can't keep it all straight, He is way more able to do it, think it, bring it to pass, bring it about, do it.
He leads me, every day, sometimes subtle, and sometimes more overt, but whether I'm sensitive to Him or not, He is sensitive to me, all the time. Wow.
What if I'm right?
There is a Friend, who sticks closer than a brother.

Hello and a Brilliant good morning to you! I thought I'd post this unfinished painting. I'll re post when it's done. I've already redone it twice before and I have no idea what it's going to become. It's sort of annoying, and yet intriguing too. I say this in introduction to what I am writing today. So here goes.

April 23/10

Dearest Father,
Reading, reading, reading - so much stuff! I know much of it and it is only difficult in the grasp and implementation. It's like trying to learn how to play the violin by reading a book. I need living, lessons, examples. I need hands on, voice on, love on instruction. Otherwise, even books filled with words designed to free me up, make me feel more frustrated and tied up. Like reading a car repair manual and having to understand something. AH!
God, I'm the car that needs repair, the manual only makes me feel despair. it's the Writer of the manual that gives me hope. When He opens the hood and expertly tunes me up. Ah, I run better. Sometimes it's a very minor adjustment, and in my mind I thought it was running so rough, it needed a full engine replacement.
He is the Brilliant One and it's OK to be His dependant. To realize that you really aren't smart enough or talented enough to be AMAZING all the time. You don't need His job. It's not something we are fit to do and it is far better to just be His kid, His friend, His.
Why do we have to be so amazingly and perfectly capable anyways? There is a way that God sees us, that we ARE, and it is really not at all like we think. Some people are acutely aware of their imperfections, though they may not admit them to others. Even then, they don't even see all their own. It's too dark in that room.
I'm a person like this. In my life I play the violin, and it is an instrument that requires a "good ear". I just happened to be born that way. So I can hear notes slightly off, whether I want to or not. I'm like this with myself inside too. You better know how much I appreciate grace, because I really do!
Here's a picture, a story, an experience to illustrate a staggering grace.

I found myself walking with Jesus, on a path, coming out through some woods, to the edge of a large body of water. He and I sat down on a stone bench. It was substantial, with a seat and back and at each end, there were built in flat places, wide enough to set a coffee cup. It was all one piece, like it was cut out of one big rock.
We sit down. It's almost dark, it's dusky. The upper sky is black with stars and the horizon, far out over the water is barely lit, a deep navy blue. It's a clear, clear night.
I look over at Jesus and He hands me a big container of popcorn and a glass of ginger ale. We sit side by side and He begins to toss popcorn in the air and catch it with His mouth. He makes me feel all at home, where I belong, though I am reeling at the way His casualness is talking to my soul. I set the ginger ale down on that stone side arm and after some munching together, and just soaking in being there, in that setting, we begin a conversation.
We were both looking up at the stars, and I said something to Him about how amazing they were, and that He knew them all. He told me how He could see every star, every molecule, every bit of everything, far beyond my vision, or the vision of any telescope. Then, tossing up another piece of popcorn and catching it in His mouth, He turned to me and said, "That's because I'm God." He said it so matter of factly. Makes me smile to remember.
Then, those eyes, in That face, looked in at me. Knowing He could see everything, I mean everything, He said the most remarkable thing.
"I can see everything Maureen, and I see no flaw in you."
It took me by such a surprise, I burst out crying. In it knowing He spoke the TRUTH, yet, what???
What eyes He has to see us,
Finished,
Beautiful,
Redeemed,
Done.
It was like there was a sudden, gymnastic movement of epic proportions in my inner person. To know Truth Himself, would speak so calmly, so audaciously, what no one else would say and no one else could see.
I felt - free
And, remembering it now makes me love Him even more.
I pray for eyes, like His, to see you with my friend
That Blood of His made you a new creation
A radically different being
A person forgiven so ridiculously, and so transformed,
Altered, made new,
We need Him to read us to ourselves.

So, He knows what our unfinished person really is, unlike me, who doesn't know what my unfinished painting is yet. He knows that too:)

The Sounds of Silence, or, Does a tree, when it falls in the woods, make a sound, when there is no one to hear it?

It's still not time to cut the grass for the first time, up here at the farm. This week starts the major work. Sometimes it's so quiet up here, that I can almost hear the grass "squeak" as it's growing. I can definitely hear the slight white noise, inside my own ears. It's amazing how much quiet I get to enjoy. I actually really crave it, but not ALL the time.
I play the violin, which anyone that knows me, knows I do. I can play it outside, on my porch, out by the pond, on a box, with sox, with a fox, you get the story, Sam I am:) I don't believe anyone can hear me. My son and two nephews have a band, that practices in our barn, when it's warm enough, loudly, which is only right. We have never had any complaints, because, no one can hear them either.
Strangely enough, one time, on a dark night, in the pouring rain, the sheriff came while the guys were practicing. They were playing for a few family members, and someone finally realized that they heard someone knocking on the door of the barn. (The guys practice on the second floor) So, my sister went and answered the door. Apparently, someone complained about our dogs barking. Which, a)they weren't doing and b)why would someone complain about dogs, when there was actually a really loud rock and roll band practicing?
The sheriff actually apologized, and after chatting for a bit, left. We stood, in the rain, scratching our heads. This same sheriff had no problem with the loud "sound of music" for which there was no complaint, and who actually in all the years he'd been sheriffing had only been up to our remote place only one other time. Apparently, someone was hearing other dogs, somewhere else, or maybe, they had been driving by, and were still mad at our furball dogs, for their real crime, CHASING CARS!

Some thoughts on worship.

I wanted to write something about worship. I read some things the other day on facebook and it's been bugging me since then. Then this morning as I struggled, again, in my own soul, making my coffee and forcing myself to sit outside on this splendid morning, I was reminded that worship is an important part of just being.
So, as I sat down, outside, took my first sip of substandard coffee, and just paid attention to the surroundings, worship happened without thought.

excerpt from journal, April 16th 2010:
Dearest Father,
Your artistry is so fabulous and so splendid, in sound and smell and size and sight in breeze and light and temperature and colour oh the Glory in it! What a wonder You are!
......Sitting outside in the morning, on the back deck of my old farmhouse. Just now sheltered in shade by a massive maple, yet with leaf unfurled, early spring. I look up a gentle hill, and see a rock garden, just starting again with it's perennials. A green lawn slopes up to an iris bed. Those irises are just barely creeping up green fronds, yet the daffodils in their midst are joy, so brilliantly displaying themselves. I hear the light sounds of wind chimes in their midst.

Oh the sounds of spring,
A robin foraging,
A thousand frogs, occasionally break in,
Birds I don't recognize the songs of
Flies buzzing
Hawks and eagles-crying high above,
Light winds,
The earth is kissed with love,
You'd have to be blind not to see,
Life pushes up, it springs forth,
God's glory is obvious,
obvious,
obvious.

If you falter in worship, in buildings made with hands, and forget how to connect or even if you can. I invite you to come out to my land and sit and be and see if your soul remembers worship again. For the glory of our Creator cannot fail at last to make us soften in the wonder of His beautiful art. Life.
If it's hard to worship. It may be that you have lost touch with the One who loves you.
It is not a mechanical action, a force of the will, like paying your taxes in April.
When was the last time an exclamation came out of your mouth, as natural as breathing, to praise something?
Wow, this is delicious!
That is absolutely amazing!

You've got to find a way for your heart to see and have this be real, true towards Him. If it isn't seek to see again, for your soul has become blind. It's "taste buds" as it were have lost their ability to enjoy the wealth of gourmet delights.
If this is the case, your life is heading in a terrible way for your soul and you need love, poured out, because when you can enjoy His works, worship flows easily, naturally, steadily, strongly, purely, deeply, ah!
There is no way it's real worship without some kind of connection and I say to you, your connections within are broken like rail road tracks twisted and missing. It is unsafe for travel. It is wisdom to not ignore the signs of broken-ness. Denial doesn't fix these broken tracks.
But somehow,
Remembering Him, truly does.
We are reconnected in worship and we realize that the One we worship, that Supreme God, that Jesus - Him, He adores us. He misses our touch, He loves us. When you are receiving His love, you are being restored and it is a worship an action that far surpasses anything else.
Worship is not singing 10 songs with gusto and passion (though in the midst many may actually be really worshipping). Worship is when something really connects.
Better than an exclamation for food, that can't talk back, Praise to God, about Him, opens up a mutual flow of love.
Food nourishes us and we become satisfied, for a bit. We will keep coming back to that favourite restaurant, and pay high prices too:) (If we can)
Worship is a bit like that
Only it has to be real.
I am in wonder as I soak in my outdoor masterpiece.
It talks to me, from the heart of it's Maker, it's Beauty breaks down my barriers and I LET it. I LET it!

Find that place to reconnect your soul, with it's Maker.
Like finding the most amazing restaurant.
And let Him love you, as your love for Him starts to become real again. Real love, real worship, real connection, real relationship, unshakable,
Beautiful Home, Him.

The Effects of Living in the Middle of Nowhere

Welcome to my blog, on it's first day. I have wanted to do this for a long time.
I am not kidding when I tell you I live in the middle of nowhere, but I don't mean it in a negative way, except, well, in the middle of winter.
There has been an exceptional amount of time, alone, in quiet, to think, to hear and to ponder. I think my soul has been the thing most "farmed" around here. I'm not completely alone though, children are here, one mainly still at home, my beautiful Katie. My husband is home most weekends. Friends occasionally venture out here, but mostly it's my car that's getting the wear and tear of many miles on rough dirt roads. It's amazing how well a little Honda Civic holds up.
In the winter, no traffic goes by, except the snow plow, which turns around at the end of our property up the road. We live at the place where it is only seasonally maintained. The rest of the year, if ten vehicles go by during a day, that's a big day.
This naturally leads me to mention my dogs, because they like the excitement of chasing the few cars that go by. One of them lost a leg to this activity, but is AMAZING on three legs. He lost it in the fall of the year, and by the next summer, when we spend so much time swimming in our pond, we were wondering how he'd handle the loss of his swimming passion. Surprisingly, he doesn't realize that swimming with only one leg in the front might be impossible. So, "Mickey" still swims, though at first, when he would try shaking off the water, he'd knock himself off his feet. Now, I don't see him limited at all. He is a picture of happy, all the time. He happily sleeps in the middle of a snow storm, in deeply accumulating snow, unfazed and happy, goofy happy. His brother Shadow doesn't enjoy swimming, but is almost as happy as his sibling, except when his bro gets more attention than him. These two furballs collect carrion, left over from hunting season, and there is never any telling what kinds of things they find to chew on, and give me to trip over.